The Life Vest, Not the Fix: Helping Anxious Teens
I'm writing this after talking with a loving parent who asked me how to help her teen — a girl struggling with anxiety and, as a result, missing school. I understood that pain. I've watched my own children struggle with anxiety, especially when social relationships were involved. As I work toward completing my ADHD coaching certification, I have more to draw on now than I once did — the unique way ADHD brains are wired, how something as ordinary as a group chat or a hallway glance can register as a genuine threat. There's a name for that outsized fear of rejection or embarrassment: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It's changed how I think about what "won't go to school" really means. More often than not, it isn't defiance. It's a nervous system that has decided it isn't safe.
And still, I found myself drawing on what I learned from Dr. Thomas Gordon, through years of teaching Parent Effectiveness Training. That program comes down to three things — active listening, conflict resolution, and relationship building with your children. All the neuroscience in the world doesn't change those fundamentals. A regulated nervous system matters. So does simply being someone your child trusts enough to fall apart in front of. The last thing that came to me was more personal. What did I actually do with my own kids, back when we were in it? What worked?
What surprised me was how I remembered those times — with more joy than I expected. Instead of dread, what came up were the lovely, if not hard, times I spent with my kids while they were struggling. Long drives with the radio up - Taylor Swift, of course. Coloring together at the kitchen table, not saying much of anything. Walks with our dog. His wiggles and joy bringing unstoppable smiles to my daughter’s face. I remembered being able to be their life vest — not fixing anything at all.
That distinction matters more than I used to give it credit for. A life vest doesn't solve the storm. It keeps you afloat until you can swim again. For an anxious teen, that's often exactly what's needed first — not a solution, just proof that someone is staying in the water with them. Drawing on my memories, the ADHD training, and the P.E.T. fundamentals, I put together a tip sheet to share. It's organized around a sequence I wish I'd understood more clearly at the time:
Stay connected, always — the ordinary, joyful things that build the relationship your teen will lean on when it counts.
Calm the body first - before anything else is asked of her — a flooded nervous system can't hear reason, no matter how good the reasoning is.
Build the skill - once he's calm enough to think — the tools that help her move toward the hard thing, one small step at a time. If you're in the middle of this with your own teen, I hope it helps the way working through it helped me.
Here’s the TIP Sheet. Let me know if any of this resonates. Or even better, if it works.
— Ingrid, Alverde Coaching